Holiday Thoughts

It’s Dec 31st 2023. Amongst my parents’ many WeChat groups that I’m a part of, everyone’s been passing on an assortment of eloquent blessings written by other people, which seems curious to me as a canada-raised person, since sending copy-pastes doesn’t really convey any sincerity. But I guess if I think about it a bit more, it’s kind of like a middle ground between what I’d do with my friend group - either send a well-written holiday card, or just a simple happy new years gif over messenger.

It is a good opportunity to practice my chinese though:

今天是三末: 周末、月末、年末，一切很快都抹去。 今天一过，你来，我来，他来，一切好运都来。 今天是今年，明天是明年，一夜跨两年，零点后改口，去年和今年。 过好今年，祝福明年。祝您和您的家人元旦节快乐，幸福安康！ 顺致冬安

Today consists of three ends. The week end. The month end. The year end. Everything will soon start over. After today, you will arrive, I will arrive, they will arrive, all good fortunate will arrive. Today is this year, tomorrow is next year, one night spans two years, one midnight brings new change, this year and next. Live fully this year, bless the coming year. Happy new year to you and your family, may you continue your well-being.

These short and well-written blessings motivate me to reflect write down some of my own reflections at this week’s month’s year’s end.

On shopping

A profound thing that happened recently occurred after we came back from our mini year-end trip to new york. We were idly browsing through our local home goods, walking through stalls upon stalls of everything one might need in their home, from hapharzardly placed cat beds and trinkets and wall art, when I was hit with a sudden wave of fatigue. It wasn’t fatigue from standing around or a poor night’s sleep, but fatigue from just being there at all.

It felt like in the weeks leading up to the holidays, we’ve been tediously repeating the same motions over and over again, as if we were preparing for some kind of ultimate shopping competition. It was always the same - enter the store, wade through dizzying amounts of products, identify tangentially ones, look at the price tag, weigh it against the mental gratification of buying the item, put it back, ad infinitum.

We did this at the NYC MoMA design store looking for a gift for our friend taking care of our cat, at the various christmas night markets throughout NYC, at the Harry Potter store, the Nintendo Store, Fao Schwartz toy store, Uniqlo… by the time I was in that home goods, I was just completely and utterly sick of consummerism. It didn’t feel like I was looking at items that could elevate our house or bring me joy, but rather the store was just shoving products down my throat, in an effort to take whatever money I’m willing to part with.

I imagine christmas markets to be filled with people passionate about their craft be it making the best dark roast coffee or asian-inspired jewelry or whatever it is, and eager to share their passion with the community. But from my experience it felt like the majority of the stalls were just filled with things sourced at a lower price than what’s on the tag, and the only expertise the store owners had was keeping track of each item’s margins.

Things like the one vanderbilt viewing deck, museum of ice cream, horse rides, all felt similarly disingenuous, where their priority wasn’t setting up cool art exhibits, or showcasing ice cream through the ages, but rather taking as much money as they can from unsuspecting tourists. I tried to stay away from things that made me feel like I was getting bamboozled. We walked through high line park (which I really enjoyed), ate at fine dining restaurants, and watched musicals. Even though I was paying similarly (sometimes more) extravagant prices and someone was definitely getting richer from me, at least I felt like the experiences were genuine - chefs really care about their food as actors their play (at least I feel that way).

On Family

Family is always on the forefront of my mind, and especially after reading The Tail End a year or two ago, I’ve been trying to make my family time more meaningful and purposeful. Which is why when I went back to Vancouver this christmas, I even went to church with them, despite spending my childhood dreading every sunday because my mom would drag me to church comboed immediately by chinese school.

It’s not that I don’t believe in God (I’m not sure what I believe in. In fact I feel like my life so far has been such an incredible stroke of luck that I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a divine spirit guiding me), I just feel like I don’t have enough time in the day to really think about that stuff - I’m very much absorbed in what church people would refer to as “worldly things” like what to do on the weekend, whether I’ll be able to climb that black boulder, if I’m gonna get that promotion. And so after high school, I just kind of stopped going to church and my mom never pushed me further.

And this time going back to church, along with the familiar sense of guilt and apprehension I always feel when stepping inside my parent’s holy place as a non-believer, ready to tell people that no, I am not Christian yet, I also felt a familiarity and warmth. Familiar faces greeted me at the door like I was some long-lost relative, and listening to people congregate together and sing hymms is oddly comforting. After the service, all my parents friends made sure to pop by and say hello. I felt like an NPC standing by the side, and every so often a player would come over and chat with me for a few words before taking their leave.

I’m very thankful for my opportunity to go back this Christmas, especially because Grace was stuck in the United States due to her green card. Compared to Grace, I definitely feel a stronger sense of family - I’m not sure if it’s because her parents are older so she was probably more independent growing up, or because my younger brother is still at home whereas her older brother is california, but no regardless the region, I know that if the roles were swapped and I was stuck in the United States, Grace would rather stay and keep me company than visit family (although her parents did come to visit). Although we have differing perspectives, I’m filled with gratitude that Grace respects my wishes and makes compromises against her own. This is definitely something that we will continue to work on and try to minimize compromises in either direction, as both are painful to us.

On Health

I don’t consider myself very active. On weekdays, I do “social gymming” with my friend maybe once or twice when I go into the office. Other days I sit at home and stare at my big TV screen after staring at my small monitor screen during the day and my even smaller laptop screen on the shuttle or at home. On weekends, I go climbing once for less than two hours.

I’m not sure if that’s the cause, but I really feel like my body has been breaking down. I can’t really sleep on my side because I would wake up with my shoulder completely messed up for the next few days, and I can’t lift my arm above my head because my shoulder hurts so much. Sometimes I would wake up and I can’t curl a few of my fingers together… If I bench too hard and arch my back, I can barely stand up straight afterwards. I need to brace myself when sneezing. The list goes on.

We have an over 30 group and over 40 group at facebook, with constant jokes about this stuff, but guess what, I’m only 25! And I already feel like this! I feel like it’s a combination of my static posture during the workday compounded by my choices of physical activity aren’t exactly super active. So I hope I can find some more active physical activities, like Tennis, or Skiing.

Wraping up

I don’t really have closing thoughts on this, other than the fact that I’ve become increasingly aware of how I have to manage my time better, and spending a weeknight playing video games or going to homegoods without buying anything feels more and more like a misuse of my time. I could be writing on this blog, or stretching, or planning my next vacation… That is not to say I won’t play games at all, but if I do I should be doing it because I really want to play games, not because I don’t have anything else to do. I will try to pay closer attention to this in 2024.